The Sunny Side of the Shadow

The Sunny Side of the Shadow
By Mary MacDonald 

I wonder…a lot. I wonder why this is like that. I wonder why that isn’t like this. I wonder whether I’m too old to wear that deliciously sheer top. I wonder whether I’m just….well, too old, or perhaps, too tall. I wonder why he still does a comb over. I wonder what I want to be when I grow up. I wonder. I wonder if that hadn’t happened, if he hadn’t died, if only she had loved me more.  I wonder about who I really am, deep down where no one is looking. Ahh, the ponderance of wonder – at times it can feel too heavy, at others too much like ruminating, or sometimes, simply, a curiosity, and again at others, merely a lightness of, hmmm, I wonder. It’s funny how a word can hold so many meanings, feelings, ideas. It’s why I love words – the way they look, their sound as they roll off your tongue, the way they meander and weave into story.

I wonder often of my shadow side. You know the one. The Dark Side. The side where the nasty shit resides. The side we try to keep hidden. The side that if anyone finds out about they will no longer like us, or love us, or will finally know what a fraud we really are, and then the shunning will begin. And, of course, we will deserve it because The Shadow is ugly, and angry, and mean, and shallow.

Well, I’m here to say that The Shadow Side has gotten a bad rap.

Yep, you heard me. There is a sunny side of The Shadow. It’s where truth sometimes hides out because she fears you might not like to hear her rants and raves. Your Muse has been known to hang out on the wild side with her friend The Shadow. She hopes to lure you there so you can dig deep, composting the knowledge learned on the shadow side. The tears of women so often shade the anger of the injustices suffered, imagined or real.  Anger that needs to be witnessed and released.  The Shadow Side holds the secrets and lies you’ve been told by others of who you are, or who you should be. I believe The Shadow Side is responsible for PMS. Come on, you know of what I speak. That day, or days where the anger rises to the top, not willing to be contained any longer, where we spew words, and thoughts and feelings. We blame it on a tide of hormones when really it is your truth that has been hiding out, waiting, knowing that once a month she has a chance to catch your attention. And then, if like me, when the tide has gone out we smooth the hurt feelings, kiss the dented ego better and blame it on those damn hormones. No, no my friends – we have yet again dampened down the truth. Yes, perhaps our delivery could be worked on, but the facts remain – he or she doesn’t see you, or hear you or ignores your heart calling to theirs. The Shadow only wishes for you to shine your light upon her as you walk through to the other side.

My Shadow Side has multiple identities or personalities if you will. I read this fabulous, funny, poignant novel called Set My House in Order: A Romance of Souls while in Oaxaca, Mexico as I whiled away my days at the Zocalo. The protagonist had multiple personalities and they voted on which personality should be in charge since they had to know when it was appropriate to let each of the other personalities out to play, or run amok if the protagonist happened to imbibe too much alcohol.

Image © Mary MacDonald

Through this book I recognized the characters residing in me. It changed the lens through which I viewed my life. I began to know the different roles I played depending on which personality decided to burst forth.

I have that small child who hides behind the skirt of the Masai Warrior because she is too scared to come out as her memories are ones of her joy and laughter being squashed and her safety uncertain. She takes over the house when crushing fear appears. If I’m quick I can soothe her furrowed brow, otherwise days under the covers can occur. I have the 5-year-old who knows she ROCKS. She wears a style all her own, has adventures in the wilds of Northern Ontario, hangs with other chicks, who think they’re cool too.

Image © Mary MacDonald

She’s also the one with the deep puncture wounds that sound cruel even with the wonderful and most times, useless hindsight. It’s guaranteed to be a messy time when she makes an appearance. But she’s also the one I saw so much of the world with, the one that got me on a hang glider, into the racing rapids, involved me in love affairs that made my heart beat faster and my loins be satiated. And she’s the one who knows not to speak her truth because she will lose everything. But I gotta tell ya – she knows how to show a gal a good time.

Then there’s that young woman who seeks answers to the deep and the spiritual. She is so serious and wishes only to live the life of the ascetic, cloistered with her books, and prayer, and meditation and learning. She could disappear into the woods to wonder. Okay perhaps her idea of ascetic is comfort in all its crowning glory and with no apology offered.

And then we have the adult. Again, you know the one. She is oh-so-appropriate, knows what needs to be done in all situations, with a work ethic that would choke a horse, smiling and charming and ever so gracious. She moves through the world with such apparent ease, offering you a shoulder and comfort at all times. I would long to be like her when I grew up except I know the price she pays. Though I truly do appreciate when she glides into the room at the perfect moment.

And then there is my personal favourite – The Activist. She doesn’t care how loud she is or how angry she sounds or how much she annoys you by sending you the list of banned places you can no longer shop at, foods and clothing that must be omitted from your household and marches that need to be marched. She believed Coretta Scott King when she said:

Women, if the soul of the nation is to be saved, I believe that you must become its soul.

And she knows you should believe it too.

I have many more lurking in the shadows like the pushy dude who thinks he knows best. The Critic of course who moans and groans about my inadequacies and who tells me I am both too big and too small for my britches. But as I delve deep into The Shadow Sideand sit down and chat with my different identities, I realize they are really cool dudes and dudettes who believe they have my back. And I’m beginning to believe this to be true so now when I’m in a situation and the teenager pokes her head out doing this:

The Scream, Edward, Munch

If I’m present and aware, I can usually spot her antics and understand that my internal Teenager was lit up by the situation and reacting in only the way she knows. Hopefully I, the wise one, now know a better way  most of the time and can talk her down from the ledge.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t wander over to The Dark Side willingly. Much like Shiloh metaphorically dragging me to the canvas where  information will come from the wielding of my paintbrush because that is one of the gifts of creativity, The Shadow Side grabs me when I’m in fear, exhausted, depleted or hurting because it knows its reputation is not based on a rollicking good time so it needs to use the tools that work. And then as I roll around in the muck, lost in the wilderness I cry out to all I believe to be Holy – which is usually everything because I want to be absolutely sure to cover all of my bases. And then the sun begins to peek out from behind the grayness. It might be the call from a friend, a book where meaning lies, the sound of my rusty laughter, a poem written in anguish that sheds light. What I know for sure is that after I visit The Shadow Side I feel lighter, I am wiser, I speak my truth a little easier, I have forgiven yet again, hope arises and yes, the Sunny Side of the Shadow is a wonder to behold.  My, oh my, here lies yet another view of wonder – the wide open astonishment at the sheer, uncompromising beauty of the world.

And you, my precious ones – what do you wonder? What personalities call your being home?

The Holstee Manifesto © 2009

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Mary MacDonald, aka StellaMac, is the Countess of Curiosity and the Queen of Questions whose Muse prods, cajoles and believes in her without condition. StellaMac gives new meaning to the word versatile. For the past 30 years she has boldly gone forth in the not for profit, artistic, educational and for profit worlds where she has used her extraordinary relationship building skills to achieve success for her clients in marketing, fundraising, public relations, communications, training and development, and writing. She is now working in California as a teacher, coach and consultant.

Mary is passionate about innovative education and business through the lens of a feminine paradigm that incorporates creativity, story telling and conversation. As a Consultant for the past six years in Canada and the United States, Mary is an expert at supporting individuals and organizations in achieving their goals in a way that is uniquely them. Mary is the Director of our Cosmic Cowgirls tribe where she gleefully applauds the reverent and the irreverent existing side by side. She is proud to count herself among the revolutionaries creating opportunities for women and girls to transform their lives through publishing healing journals and transformational teaching at Cosmic Cowgirls University. You can find StellaMac at www.thestellamacreport.wordpress.com

The Boulevard of Broken Dreams

The Boulevard of Broken Dreams
By Mary MacDonald

“One of the most calming and powerful actions you can do to intervene in a stormy world is to stand up and show your soul. Struggling souls catch light from other souls who are fully lit and willing to show it.” ~ Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estés

The path is strewn with the debris of her broken dreams. Those dreams of forever love, fame and fortune, a room of her own, everlasting joy and happiness. Would a different path have made those dreams come true? Did she not believe enough? Not work hard enough? Say the right affirmations in just the right way? “They” told her that if she took a leap of faith, there would be a net to catch her. “They” said if she followed her passion, abundance would flow. “They” said if she would only be her authentic self, she would find her perfect community. Were they wrong? Or perhaps she is just not one of the chosen ones. Or maybe there is no such thing as a broken dream, and it’s all part of the grand and glorious plan.

Boulevard Of Broken Dreams by JuhlDK13 on Flickr

When so many of the choices we made haven’t panned out, how do we trust ourselves, believe that it will all work out, don our courage yet again? When we are weary from the journey, how do we continue? How do we distinguish between the fear of new possibilities and the fear that protects us? As a Coach I can hear the difference in my clients’ voices, in the actions they are taking, the things they are willing to say yes to and those they will no longer do; but it is not always easy to know the difference for ourselves as the feelings of fear and excitement are such close cousins.

Some words that helped me immensely were from Eckhardt Tolle who said we cause ourselves difficulty when we add story to the facts. In other words, I can tell myself: “I’m so exhausted and scared.” And just sit with it until it passes or I get new information. Or I can add the story: “Because I’m such a loser, I’m never going to be successful.” The story I’ve added now causes me anxiety and worry, even shame and guilt, which shut me down and cause me to doubt myself; and no matter how much passion I began with, it now dwindles and fades away.

So as I take a look at the path I’m traveling, I pause to put on my Wonder Hat, and then reflect with the Muse wondering whether my Boulevard is littered with unfulfilled dreams or if they’ve simply meandered into new dreams? Reminiscing, I realize that through the years my values and beliefs have changed. My lens through which I view success has more depth and clarity. Yes, it’s also true there are more moments than I desire of unknowing, of exhaustion, and of doubt. Yet all the other moments of knowing, of exhilaration and of certainty somehow glitter more brightly as I trip the light fantastic through my days.

Sunrise Over Sequoia National Forest by J.L. Johnson, Stockvault.com

“Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, ‘I will try again tomorrow.’” ~ Mary Anne Radmacher

According to Wikipedia, “to ‘trip the light fantastic” is to dance nimbly or lightly.” How does your dance change your days and your dreams?

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Mary MacDonald, aka StellaMac, is the Countess of Curiosity and the Queen of Questions whose Muse prods, cajoles and believes in her without condition. StellaMac gives new meaning to the word versatile. For the past 30 years she has boldly gone forth in the not for profit, artistic, educational and for profit worlds where she has used her extraordinary relationship building skills to achieve success for her clients in marketing, fundraising, public relations, communications, training and development, and writing. She is now working in California as a teacher, coach and consultant.

Mary is passionate about innovative education and business through the lens of a feminine paradigm that incorporates creativity, story telling and conversation. As a Consultant for the past six years in Canada and the United States, Mary is an expert at supporting individuals and organizations in achieving their goals in a way that is uniquely them. Mary is the Director of our Cosmic Cowgirls tribe where she gleefully applauds the reverent and the irreverent existing side by side. She is proud to count herself among the revolutionaries creating opportunities for women and girls to transform their lives through publishing healing journals and transformational teaching at Cosmic Cowgirls University. You can find StellaMac at www.thestellamacreport.wordpress.com

Behind the Scenes with the Inner Critic

Behind the Scenes with the Inner Critic Writer: Mary MacDonald 

“Why is it so okay to beat up on us?” wailed the Inner Critic. “PULEEZE!  Seriously?  You want us to feel sorry for inner critics everywhere? The last bastion of the misunderstood?” I am in the Green Room of the StellaMac (SM) talk show with the Inner Critic (IC) of a famous author who has agreed to this interview as long as she can remain incognito. Because I am breathless with anticipation on how she will justify her actions, I have agreed to the Inner Critic’s terms.

Photo Credit: Nosnoronson at Photobucket.com

IC: “We should be thought of as Super Sheroes who stand by your side every day protecting and serving you. And what do we get? Abuse is what we get. Heaped on us from everywhere.” SM: “Well it doesn’t feel very Super Sheroe-y to hear things you say like ‘Who do you think you are?’ or ‘Are you really going to wear THAT?’ The last time I looked my Super Sheroes were not dissin my ass.” IC: “Oh grow up, Wuss. Haven’t you ever heard of tough love? It wasn’t me who told her she wasn’t talented. Blame it on that 3^rd grade teacher or her narcissist of a mother.” SM: “So you’re not taking any responsibility for the harshness of your words and the impact they have on her? Is it really necessary to be so contemptuous and punitive as you shout your venom at her?” IC: “You say to-may-to, I say to-mah-to. It’s a tough world out there, Cookie, and I’m only protecting her from rejection. I’ve got her back so she doesn’t get creamed when she says the wrong thing or writes crap that nobody wants to read. I have to keep her away from that damn Muse who encourages her in her foolishness. Who tells her to tend to her creativity instead of cleaning the house or working a traditional job that pays real money. How does that help anyone? Ms. Muse floats around promising rainbows and moonbeams which have no basis in reality and keeps her from the stuff that really matters, like what other people think about her.” SM: “Well Ms. Critic I get that you really want the best for your Author and you are feeling a whole lot of misunderstood.” SM: “So I invite you to consider working together with Ms. Muse to lovingly support your Author with words of kindness and encouragement. Research shows that humans do much better when treated with loving kindness and I know that Ms. Muse understands that you believe you are only wanting what’s best for your Author and would really appreciate if you could work together.” IC: “You really are two bricks short of a load aren’t you? Wait till I tell the other Inner Critics about this ridiculous suggestion. They’ll either laugh their asses off or come gunning for the idiot who suggested it.  Hey, we’re having an Inner Critic Conference next month – maybe you can come as the keynote speaker and give us something to talk about. We really need to have a “Come to Jesus” meeting with your Inner Critic cause he’s obviously not doing his job. So let me help YOU out – lose the thought that you can write, cause it ain’t working out for you, and nobody wants to read the shit you write! And on that happy note, I’m so outta here. My Author needs to know how bad she was on the talk show.”

And off she went with her spine rigid, her jaw clenched and her mind closed.

Well that didn’t quite go the way I had planned, but you know how ornery those Inner Critics can get when challenged.  I’ve been having many “Come to Jesus” meetings with my own Inner Critic lately because, although he plays an important function in my life by letting me know when to keep my mouth shut when it could come back to bite me, he also allows me to hide from my fear of rejection and stops me from taking needed risks. He has been treating me like a damsel in distress for so long I automatically believe I need to be rescued from my own inadequacy, and thinking that those thoughts are based on objective reality. We are in a continuous learning process with each other and thankfully my Inner Critic doesn’t have the same attitude as Ms. Author’s! I love the old Dragnet series with Captain Joe Friday saying “Just the facts, Ma’am, just the facts,” which I use on myself on a regular basis when I’m listening to the bullshit shoveled at me by my Inner Critic. So let me ask you: ♥     What does your Inner Critic shout in your ear? ♥     What payoff do you get from keeping her around? ♥     What does he say to disarm you or make you believe he’s you’re friend? ♥     What are triggering moments for you that give the wily Critic motive to bring you down? ♥     What can you do to have your Inner Critic and Ms. Muse work together? One of the teachers in my life has been Byron Katie whose book Loving What Is came at a pivotal time in my life when the only sounds I could hear were the mutterings of my Inner Critic. I also learned one of my favourite sayings from Katie: “What you think about me is your business, not mine.” Katie calls what she does “The Work” and it simply consists of four questions about the thoughts we have:

1. Is it true?
2. Can you absolutely know it’s true?
3. How do you react, what happens when you believe that thought?
4. Who would you be without the thought?

“Just the facts, Ma’am, just the facts.” I am of the Tribe that believes the unexamined life is one not worth living and know that when I stand tall, stick out my chest, put on my big girl panties and look at the facts straight on, my Inner Critic decides it’s time to take a nice, long vacation and Ms. Muse comes out to play.

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Mary MacDonald, aka StellaMac, is the Countess of Curiosity and the Queen of Questions whose Muse prods, cajoles and believes in her without condition. StellaMac gives new meaning to the word versatile. For the past 30 years she has boldly gone forth in the not for profit, artistic, educational and for profit worlds where she has used her extraordinary relationship building skills to achieve success for her clients in marketing, fundraising, public relations, communications, training and development, and writing. She is now working in California as a teacher, coach and consultant.

Mary is passionate about innovative education and business through the lens of a feminine paradigm that incorporates creativity, story telling and conversation. As a Consultant for the past six years in Canada and the United States, Mary is an expert at supporting individuals and organizations in achieving their goals in a way that is uniquely them. Mary is the Director of our Cosmic Cowgirls tribe where she gleefully applauds the reverent and the irreverent existing side by side. She is proud to count herself among the revolutionaries creating opportunities for women and girls to transform their lives through publishing healing journals and transformational teaching at Cosmic Cowgirls University. You can find StellaMac at www.thestellamacreport.wordpress.com

StellaMac Gets Her Groove Back!

StellaMac Gets Her Groove Back!
By Mary MacDonald

Whew – no seriously – WHEW. You know that feeling of when you think you’ve hit bottom and then realizing there’s more bottom? The roller coaster to hell was not on my list of places I wanted to go before I entered the Pearly Gates of fun, freedom and frolic but that trickster called life had different travel plans for me.

The WOOWOO California energy healing course I’m taking is kicking my ass! And what’s really f***ed up is I’m loving it. You know you’re on the righteous path of healing when you tell your friends you’re on the train from hell and they say such ridiculous things like “I’m so happy for you,” or, “Yahoo Honey, you’re breaking down and breaking through.” And knowing exactly what they mean.

Whose bright idea was it anyways for me to move to The Land of the Loonies, California USA? Actually I’m pretty sure it was a whole pissed off gang of Muses who decided to get together and shove me off the ledge cause whispering in my ear was having no effect whatsoever. And here I am surrounded by the coolest people on the planet who  insist I show up for my life decked out in all my finery. Have I said thank you recently? Well now that I’ve got my groove back – gracias!

Since I decided secrets and lies were no longer on my menu, the Rat Bastards decided to have their way with me through the sneak attack maneuver. You know the one where you’re exhausted, run down, working insane hours and still need to be somewhat gracious, loving and organized and they see their chance to bring you down?

As I began to dismantle my version of the Berlin Wall the memories began to rain on my parade. The ones where I was silenced negated, patronized, abused, isolated. You know the ones. The old stories and pictures that I continued to live into not only raised their ugly heads, they rushed at me with bared fangs. They usually did their best work behind the scenes, preferring the shadows. But this time they stepped into the light as they could smell my courage getting stronger. You know – like a lover, distant for so long who sniffs the air knowing some thing’s up, not exactly knowing what it is but realizing they need to sweep in again with whatever will keep you from walking out the door?

I felt the frostbite of their disdain, their arsenal consisting of shame and guilt, which has been a favourite of theirs due to its high success rate. They knew what instruments would take me down and they chose wisely. Those whom I trusted appearing to betray. But Gypsy Dancer had hardened her spine and wasn’t going down without a little warrior action.

In the past I would quickly, with precision, stuff down any of those treacherous thoughts or feelings that could fell me with their intensity and ugliness. Not this time. I had my secret sauce:

• A pound of friendship
• A dollop of backbone
• A tablespoon of anger
• A pinch of tears
• A cup of resentment

Stir them all together and it was time to take the rat bastards down.

It was a high wire act to be sure as I knew I had to let some of the steam escape while still maintaining some equilibrium as there were innocents all around. And I’m sorry to say those closest to me had some scorch marks when all was said and done but I knew this time it was essential I not back down. It was time to break down and break through.

A warrior faces fear head on. The brave acknowledges fear’s presence. [S]he considers options and alternatives and responds rather than reacts. Fear is then neutralized and becomes of no consequence.” ~ Author Unknown

And then, for the moment, it was over – the monster was banished with the help of my toolbox, filled with awareness, understanding, my community of Cosmic Cowgirl friends who, with open hearts stood by my side helping me stare the memories down, and my practices of excavation through intention, meditation, prayer, conversation and writing. Another layer of healing completed, some more boundaries discovered and a little more clarity achieved.

Although my ongoing practices showed me the dark places, they also gave me the lantern to find my way out. It’s not always pretty and sometimes when we take the leap of faith there isn’t always a net to catch us. And yes there are those many days I don’t want to sit in meditation, be grounded, write, paint or practice loving kindness and my hand goes to those things that have offered solace in the past – a pint of Ben and Jerry’s, a whole lot of wine, a bag of chips and a trashy novel (yeah, okay, sometimes only sex, drugs and rock and rock will suffice). Although I know there is no magic salve or instant cure it doesn’t stop me from wishing it so. On an everyday basis there are moments when I temporarily fail to see the benefit of my practices, but when life seems so unbearable is when I know it’s because of those practices that I am able to make my way through.

I so value those teachers and friends who are transparent in their truth. You know the ones – Before enlightenment chop wood, carry water. After enlightenment chop wood, carry water. It doesn’t help me when I hear only one side of the story without the telling of the falling down even with all the tools, the resources, and the people. I desire the truth of their stories so I can learn and grow and weave their practices with my own.

Wise Ones tells us that the Dark Ones will only show themselves when we are ready to take them on and let them know we no longer believe the lies we wore as truth. It turns out those Wise Ones know what they’re talking about!

I got my groove back because I took a risk, tried something new, looked at my life through the lens of gratitude, and surrounded myself with friends who love me, hold out their hands in support and let me know when I’m off course. My teachers are showing me that, yes, it is important to own my own shit and also, at the same time, to let you know when you’re stepping on my toes and when it’s time to Back off Baby! It appeared I was missing this piece, so when I began to look back at old wounds with this new information I got angry and resentful before the healing could begin. And guess what?  Hearing my voice sounding pissed off, feeling the rebel within stiffen her spine, tasting the bile on my tongue let me take an up close and personal look at what was still roiling around my psyche, hiding in the shadows ready to be revealed and healed. Painful? Yes. Scary? Check. And ultimately the best gift of self-love I could give myself. I could hear the roaring of the crowd as my body began to move to MY music.

And so on this day of LOVE, I invite you to look at what practices you can embrace to shine the light on the Dark Ones in your life and let them know you’re no longer willing to play their game. What do you need to do to get your groove back?

She blesses all of her wounds as important gifts that bestow wisdom and grace. She accepts and blesses the dark parts, the hurts. She leaves what might have been to become available to herself and what is.
~ Jeannine Roberts Royce

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Mary MacDonald, aka StellaMac, is the Countess of Curiosity and the Queen of Questions whose Muse prods, cajoles and believes in her without condition. StellaMac gives new meaning to the word versatile. For the past 30 years she has boldly gone forth in the not for profit, artistic, educational and for profit worlds where she has used her extraordinary relationship building skills to achieve success for her clients in marketing, fundraising, public relations, communications, training and development, and writing. She is now working in California as a teacher, coach and consultant.

Mary is passionate about innovative education and business through the lens of a feminine paradigm that incorporates creativity, story telling and conversation. As a Consultant for the past six years in Canada and the United States, Mary is an expert at supporting individuals and organizations in achieving their goals in a way that is uniquely them. Mary is the Director of our Cosmic Cowgirls tribe where she gleefully applauds the reverent and the irreverent existing side by side. She is proud to count herself among the revolutionaries creating opportunities for women and girls to transform their lives through publishing healing journals and transformational teaching at Cosmic Cowgirls University. You can find StellaMac at www.thestellamacreport.wordpress.com

Secrets and Lies

SECRETS AND LIES
by Mary MacDonald

I decided to start anew,
To strip away
What I had been taught.

~ Georgia O’Keeffe ~

I declare 2012 as the end of secrets and lies. Yup, I’m drawing a line in the sand and will no longer wear the secrets and lies of others and more importantly, the ones I ask myself to dress up in. I’ve held a firm grip on the stories of smallness and less than. No more. Will you stand with me? Will you stake your claim of greatness and more than enough? Will you raise your voice from a whisper to the cadence that fits your stride? I am choosing to occupy my own life in all its heartaches and joys, mediocrity and brilliance. Someone once said that the ultimate ritual is being present to one’s life – okay count me in. And being present also means being in the moment of angst, anger, betrayal and sadness – to say hello to all that is present.

I celebrated a birthday last week and decided my new BDay ritual and ultimate gift to myself was to spend time at the ocean. The pounding of the waves, the dance of the surfers, the sun soaking the sand with warmth and one very large seal, taking an obviously much-needed snooze on the beach, was what I spent my birthday experiencing.

Well, of course it wouldn’t be a StellaMac birthday if there wasn’t some existential thinking going on and ruminating on what was and what is and how to get from one to the other. I reflected upon what went right, what went wrong, what took me by surprise, what I can learn, and how I’ll change what I’m doing before the next birthday rolls around. It has never been more important for us on the planet to align who we want to be with what we want to do. So I invite you to join me in releasing the old, tired stories and embracing what is.

How will I live into my intention of no more secrets and lies? The first step is already taken – the awareness of all of the unspoken grief and hurt and anger that resides in my body. The next step – not stuffing these feelings down deep and encasing them in a steel cage. Pema Chodron calls it leaning into the sharp edges. I choose to no longer wake each morning and sew a new set of garments woven from the threads of secrets and lies that lay heavy on my shoulders. I am choosing to wear only that which fits perfectly and flows gently and lovingly around my body. Will I falter? Of course. Will I always speak my truth? Probably not. What I do know is that on the other side of secrets and lies is beauty and truth — and me.

Sending you love,

StellaMac

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Mary MacDonald, aka StellaMac, gives new meaning to the word versatile. For the past 30 years she has boldly gone forth in the not for profit, artistic, educational and for profit worlds where she has used her extraordinary relationship building skills to achieve success for her clients in marketing, fundraising, public relations, communications, training and development, and writing. She is now working in California as a teacher, coach and consultant.

Mary is passionate about innovative education and business through the lens of a feminine paradigm that incorporates creativity, story telling and conversation. As a Consultant for the past five years in Canada and the United States, Mary is an expert at supporting individuals and organizations in achieving your goals in a way that is uniquely you. Mary is also a member/owner of the Cosmic Cowgirls tribe where she gleefully applauds the reverent and the irreverent existing side by side. She is proud to count herself among the revolutionaries creating opportunities for women and girls to transform their lives through publishing healing journals and transformational teaching at Cosmic Cowgirls University. StellaMac is the Countess of Curiosity and Queen of the Questions whose Muse prods, cajoles and believes in her without condition. You can find StellaMac at www.thestellamacreport.wordpress.com

Be Who You Are

Be Who You Are
By Mary MacDonald 

Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind. – Dr. Seuss

As I mused in the serenity of a vineyard this weekend I remembered the first time I took a painting class with Shiloh McCloud and how my first reaction after putting paint to canvas was embarrassment.  As I looked around at the women I had joined on this adventure, Comparison raised her wily head and feelings of inadequacy shamed me, not allowing my creativity to flourish and even having the audacity to suggest I had no talent at all.  Luckily I was in the wise hands of Shiloh who understood the words needed to unlock the door so my Queen of Honour could banish, for the moment, Comparison. I then began to honour my own voyage, knowing my paintbrush and pen told my unique stories which activated the inner wisdom needed to guide me on my very own odyssey.

Self Honour is indeed a practice we must continue to cultivate and nurture because Comparison and The Critic are wily critters. As soon as I begin to put on my writer’s chapeau is when The Critic  starts to become really nasty. As I put pen to paper she starts comparing and looking disdainfully down her regal nose. Her look says it all – why even begin? I look around and begin to shrink, words no longer my friend but rather a mocking enemy. I put the pen away.

I have surrounded myself with artists whose paintings and writings adorn the walls and pages and airwaves all around me. Shiloh, Sue Hoya Sellars, Caron McCloud, Jena Owens – I read and admire and know my words will never match up – their writings are lyrical, magical and filled with imagery that I could never aspire to. But what I CAN aspire to are my own words, imagery and music. I used to let the disdainful voice of The Critic have her way with me before I learned to loudly say “Bite Me!” And I embraced my Muse, the lovely and talented Gypsy Dancer and put paint to canvas and Ta-Da:

Gypsy Dancer by Mary MacDonald

The joy of being in community with writers and artists – if you choose wisely – is they encourage you to speak and write and paint with your own voice. The voice of ‘you can’t write sh*t’ is about grammar and style and technique and Pulitzer Prize winners. I am getting better at not hampering myself with those constraints by just letting the words flow. My three pages in the morning work for me, while other people I know write their story in the third person to outwit the sneaky, industrious critic who lets us see beneath our censor before she has time to wake up. Thoughts and ideas previously shrouded see daylight. Writing without taking your hand from the page allows the process of writing to take over and you drop below the radar  of the critic. It also helps when you let others witness your brilliance.  When I first joined a writers group it took me weeks to stand, pages in my hand shaking, voice quivering to read my story. It changed everything. No I didn’t get a book deal and I wasn’t proclaimed the next Anne Lamott, but it gave me the courage to stand, be witnessed and to read my words the next time.

My voice is evolving and changing and at times she shouts, at others she barely speaks above a whisper. I love when she is bawdy and irreverent and I am working to make more space for her voice that talks of wisdom and of the sacred. I await eagerly for each voice to become known because I know they are chattering at me, waiting for me to hear them so I can tell their stories. What ways can you get below the radar of your cunning critic? (I also suggest giving her a name – mine is Petulant Pam). How does your voice want to be heard? What stories are waiting to be told?

“To be on the safe side, a teller of stories must always know four versions of each tale: one for the mind, one for the spirit, one for the soul, and a cleaned-up version for the visiting priest.”
~ Clarissa Pinkola Estes

Signing off, until we meet again.

StellaMac
Countess of Curiosity and Queen of the Question

_____________________________

Mary MacDonald, Co-Editor
Legend and Interviews
Mary, aka StellaMac, gives new meaning to the word versatile. For the past 30 years she has boldly gone forth in the not for profit, artistic, educational and for profit worlds where she has used her extraordinary relationship building skills to achieve success for her clients in marketing, fundraising, public relations, communications, training and development, and writing. She is now working in California as a teacher, coach and consultant.

Mary is passionate about innovative education and business through the lens of a feminine paradigm that incorporates creativity, story telling and conversation. As a Consultant for the past five years in Canada and the United States, Mary is an expert at supporting individuals and organizations in achieving your goals in a way that is uniquely you. Mary is also a member/owner of the Cosmic Cowgirls tribe where she gleefully applauds the reverent and the irreverent existing side by side. She is proud to count herself among the revolutionaries creating opportunities for women and girls to transform their lives through publishing healing journals and transformational teaching at Cosmic Cowgirls University. StellaMac is the Countess of Curiosity and Queen of the Questions whose Muse prods, cajoles and believes in her without condition. You can find StellaMac at www.thestellamacreport.wordpress.com

California WOOWOO!

CALIFORNIA WOOWOO
by StellaMac, aka Mary MacDonald 

Are you searching for the cure for your inner torment? Do you wish you had been born with an arm bracelet that gave you explicit directions to your purpose and passion? Are you secretly plotting to run away from home and write your version of ‘Eat Pray Love’?

Well, when I first moved to California, being in the depth of finding myself and wanting all of the above, I expected to find a sage, shaman, healer extraordinaire on every street corner. After all, wasn’t this supposed to be the land of Spiritual Milk and Honey?  Imagine my surprise when no matter what corner I turned, what forest I rampaged, what seer I turned over, I couldn’t find a wise medicine woman to show me the way, a Pema Chodron wanna-be with the wisdom of the ages at her fingertips or even a masseuse with magic fingers. Jeez, I couldn’t even get a good pedicure!

As I wandered the used bookstore in Mendocino the perfect teacher dropped off the shelf and I knew I had found my healer.  Her name – Oriah Mountain Dreamer; her place of residence – Toronto, Canada.  And doesn’t it just figure that she lived about four blocks from where I had run away from home! Well it appeared God(dess) did have a sense of humour, or, some might say a penchant for torturing me. At that moment I was going with the torture scenario. But then the many splendiferous teachers and healers in this magical land of Northern California began to show up exactly when they were supposed to – when I was ready to really feel into what they were teaching.  To take the risk to raise my voice and tell my story with the inflection that was truly mine. To know that if I had the courage to risk censor or dislike or even ridicule I could powerfully claim the life that is mine and not someone else’s version of my life. One where their views were no longer louder than my own. What was the worst that could happen if I took the risk? Even better – what was the very best that could happen? Do I still have doubts and fears – you betcha.  Do I still question the choices I made – absolutely.  But as I continue to have existential conversations with myself what I know for sure is whatever the eventual outcome, the risks taken when leaving Comfort Zone, USA leads to the town of Possibilities, Everywhere.

So I ask of you:

What are you willing to risk to speak your truth? 

To wear that reflects your inner vixen?

To say yes to?

 

I recently started a nine-month course with a wonderful teacher by the name of Susan Feinbloom where we explore our spiritual nature, anatomy, chakras and healing energy – hence the title of this article – California WOOWOO!  Susan had been recommended to me by many people for over a couple of years and although called to take the workshop I wondered if this was just, well – woowoo. So, yet again, I began canvassing my friends for their opinions on whether this was a path I needed to follow. The consensus was – yep it’s woowoo AND it works. I usually ask about a thousand people their opinion before I am able to make a decision and then become so confused over everyone’s differing opinion that I close my eyes, hold my nose and jump into the unknown. So far that reckless abandon has led me to meet the most juicy and bodacious people, to see places of exquisite beauty, and to have adventures whose memories will keep me amused and entertained when I am old and sated. And yet I am no longer willing to take the time to make sure everyone on the planet thinks my ideas are sane, profitable or even for my highest good. And if you listen carefully you can hear my friends breathe a really, really, REALLY deep sigh of relief.  As do I, now that I am firmly entrenched in the cult of the California experience – to one’s own self be true. And you? Are you being true to yourself? What do you want to say yes to?  You don’t have to take a running leap off  giant cliffs the way I do cause that’s just how I roll (and there needs to be warning labels attached to this method of rolling!) but there is a way that is uniquely you, told in your voice and in step with the way you want to dance.

My wish for you is for you is that you raise up your unique voice because not only does the world need to hear it but you need to hear the cadence of your own voice. As Dr. Seuss so aptly said “Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.”

Before signing off I share with you the poem by one of my teachers and sister Canadian Oriah Mountain Dreamer, whose voice I first heard as I reached the shores of the Pacific Ocean.

THE INVITATION

ORIAH MOUNTAIN DREAMER

It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting in your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dreams, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life’s betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit in pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tip of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, be realistic, or to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you’re telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul.

I want to know if you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty even when it is not pretty every day, and if you can source your life from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of a lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, “Yes!”

It doesn’t interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done for the children.

It doesn’t interest me who you are, how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself, and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

~ ~ ~

Signing off, until we meet again.

StellaMac
Countess of Curiosity and Queen of the Question

_____________________________

Mary MacDonald, Co-Editor
Legend and Interviews
Mary, aka StellaMac, gives new meaning to the word versatile. For the past 30 years she has boldly gone forth in the not for profit, artistic, educational and for profit worlds where she has used her extraordinary relationship building skills to achieve success for her clients in marketing, fundraising, public relations, communications, training and development, and writing. She is now working in California as a teacher, coach and consultant.

Mary is passionate about innovative education and business through the lens of a feminine paradigm that incorporates creativity, story telling and conversation. As a Consultant for the past five years in Canada and the United States, Mary is an expert at supporting individuals and organizations in achieving your goals in a way that is uniquely you. Mary is also a member/owner of the Cosmic Cowgirls tribe where she gleefully applauds the reverent and the irreverent existing side by side. She is proud to count herself among the revolutionaries creating opportunities for women and girls to transform their lives through publishing healing journals and transformational teaching at Cosmic Cowgirls University. StellaMac is the Countess of Curiosity and Queen of the Questions whose Muse prods, cajoles and believes in her without condition. You can find StellaMac at www.thestellamacreport.wordpress.com

Her Evolution – Gathering Your Tribe

“You have been telling the people that this is the Eleventh Hour, now you must go back and tell the people that this is THE HOUR. And there are things to be considered…

Where are you living?

What are you doing?

What are your relationships?

Are you in right relation?

Where is your water?

Know your garden.

It is time to speak your Truth.

Create your community.

Be good to each other.

And do not look outside yourself for the leader.

This could be a good time! There is a river flowing now very fast. It is so great and swift that there are those who will be afraid. They will try to hold on to the shore. They will feel they are being torn apart and will suffer greatly. Know the river has its destination. The elders say we must let go of the shore, push off into the middle of the river, keep our eyes open, and our heads above the water. And I say, see who is in there with you and celebrate.

At this time in history, we are to take nothing personally. Least of all, ourselves. For the moment that we do, our spiritual growth and journey comes to a halt.

The time of the lone wolf is over. Gather yourselves! Banish the word struggle from your attitude and your vocabulary. All that we do now must be done in a sacred manner and in celebration.

We are the ones we’ve been waiting for.

Oraibi, Arizona Hopi Nation

As you wander this sometimes precarious and often outrageously beautiful world do you find yourself taking sideways glances at the woman next to you wearing the rhinestone encrusted cowgirl boots, wishing she was a friend who you could share an adventure with? Do you stare around the crowded streets wondering where YOUR tribe is? Do you yearn for a Circle of Women who, although you have just met, feel like lifelong friends?

In my late 40′s I was compelled to make a change in my life. I didn’t know what that change looked like, only that I HAD to make it. I needed to find out who I was apart from my roles and my history, except I didn’t even know how to tell what I wanted, what I liked, or even what I didn’t like. At that age I was terrified to leap into the unknown – I thought I was too old and how could I possibly manage financially, what would people think? But it was like two hands on my back pushing me. It didn’t feel courageous as so many said – it just felt that unless I jumped off the cliff I would lose myself completely.

So when I asked my friends for the trillionth time what I should do with my life they barely rolled their eyes. They are loving and beautiful, funny and wise, wild and brash, demanding and talented, judgmental and kind, compassionate and always there when I need them and even when I don’t. They let me know I am never alone but let me alone when they know I need to be.

So when, at the ripe young age of 50, I took a leap of faith, and although some thought of it as a leap of folly I paid them no heed and quit my well paid job and sold all of my possessions, these beloved friends bought stuff they didn’t need at my garage sale, stored the stuff they didn’t buy, shared copious bottles of “see ya later” wine, assured me I am well loved, packed me up and sent me on my way.

So I got into my car and began my solo road trip across the country, minus the Thelma to my Louise to find out who I wanted to be when I grew up. I didn’t know it at the time but I was on the prowl for a new Tribe. One who didn’t need history to know I was one of them. Who in one moment danced with me in abandon and in the next delved into deep existential conversation of who we wanted to show up as.

It seems like I have always been searching for my Tribe and my quest has taken me on the adventure of finding like-minded women to gather with. I have been blessed in my journey to meet and gather in Circle with women and girls who have deeply inspired and touched my life. About five years ago another blessing came into my life by the name of Shiloh Sophia McCloud. As I was dreaming of holding Circles within the context of a feminine paradigm in my home country of Canada I met with Shiloh to help me design a workshop that would align with my values and beliefs, be of service to women and girls and be a safe, nurturing space where they felt held. The rest, as they say, is history. I found my Tribe — the Cosmic Cowgirls — and began to work with Shiloh in holding sacred circle and teaching other women how to gather their Tribe in Circle.

One of my strongest held beliefs is the absolute need for women and girls to gather in sacred circle to support and nurture each other, to learn from one another and help each other create our very best lives and take action on our dreams. When I discovered Shiloh’s journals I felt held within the context of her images and words so my Muse could get my attention and my truth could emerge from this deep well of wisdom. As Shiloh will attest to I resisted (and truth be told continue to resist at times) the painting process because it is not something I find myself talented at and it also unleashes questions and answers I’m not always willing to hear. But what I do know for sure is that when I take up the paint brush, or water colour pencil and mix it with glitter and my writings I deepen my connection to myself. And lo and behold I find myself in love with my painting!

One of Shiloh’s journals, Her Evolution – A Women’s Workbook for Personal Transformation, combines the methodology of painting and colouring (right brain) with inquiry (left brain) on abundance, identity, vision, relationship and spirituality.

I am leading an 8 week on-line course with Shiloh using Her Evolution as a template to gather your tribe, engage in your own work,  learn how to lead sacred Circles and be the leader you know yourself to be. Below are some questions we use in the course to vision your Tribe, your Circle:

Gather Your Tribe – Ten Questions

Are you ready to gather your Tribe? One way to SEE the tribe is to see them at your circle! Close your eyes and see yourself leading your circle. Perhaps not the first or second, but one you are heading towards that feels like – YA, this is IT! I am THERE!

1. What is the theme or feeling of those gathered? (is it about something specific or around an event in time? what is the energy in the room and of those gathered?)
2. How many are gathered and for how long?
3. Do you recognize some and are there new faces?
4. What are the values/faiths/interests of those you feel called to serve?
5. Are there other leaders co-leading? Who are they and what qualities do they have?
6. How are folks dressed? (tattoos, hair, hats, shoes, capes, baskets, knapsacks)
7. What kinds of folks? (mamas and babies, kids, elders, healers, teachers, beginners, challenged, addiction related, couples, friends, diversity and culture wise? language spoken?)
8. What values or interests are important to you to have in the circle (knowledge of energy, acceptance of God/dess, attraction to creativity, desire for healing, for leadership)
9. Who do you WISH you could have in your circle (think sheroes, think fame, think power, think joy, think healing – let this one be playfully outrageous and just see what comes up.
10. Back to you now – what are you wearing? how are you feeling at the head? What are you teaching about in this image? How do you feel in this position? What are you called?

Can you see them? Feel them? See them on their way to your Circle? This IS the hour, and We ARE the ones we’ve been waiting for! If you would like to join us for Her Evolution, visit us at Cosmic Cowgirls University and join a Circle of other women leaders who are calling in their Tribe.

Being in Circle with women enriches my life, nourishes my soul, fills me with awe at the wisdom, beauty, sacredness and irreverence of the women who are healing the world. As always, I wish for you a Tribe who you can sing, dance, paint, write, laugh, cry and ROCK OUT with! Until we meet again,

StellaMac

Foreign Correspondent!

__________________________________________________________

Mary MacDonald, Co-Editor
Legend and Interviews
Mary, aka StellaMac, gives new meaning to the word versatile. For the past 30 years she has boldly gone forth in the not for profit, artistic, educational and for profit worlds where she has used her extraordinary relationship building skills to achieve success for her clients in marketing, fundraising, public relations, communications, training and development, and writing. She is now working in California as a teacher, coach and consultant.

Mary is passionate about innovative education and business through the lens of a feminine paradigm that incorporates creativity, story telling and conversation. As a Consultant for the past five years in Canada and the United States, Mary is an expert at supporting individuals and organizations in achieving your goals in a way that is uniquely you. Mary is also a member/owner of the Cosmic Cowgirls tribe where she gleefully applauds the reverent and the irreverent existing side by side. She is proud to count herself among the revolutionaries creating opportunities for women and girls to transform their lives through publishing healing journals and transformational teaching at Cosmic Cowgirls University.

A Love Letter To All The Women I Have Known and Loved

A woman
is the full circle.
Within her is the power to create, nurture and transform.
~ Diane Mariechild ~

Today I pay homage to Ms. Oprah Winfrey. I, like millions of others across the world, with tears streaming down my face, watched Oprah bid adieu to us, her faithful audience.  Yes she is going on to new endeavours and we watch hopefully to see what she will pull out of her Louis Vuitton bag to beguile us with.  Yet television will never be the same without the knowing that you can always turn Oprah on and see whether Tom Cruise is jumping on her coach, or what is she giving away on her show that we really want but will never have, or which expert is on the show that will give us an AHA moment. How many of us began conversations with our friends, our sisters, our mothers – “Did you see the Oprah show the other day?”  I have loved her, felt gratitude for her, been angered by her, disagreed with her and have always been deeply thankful that she opened the door for conversation.

Oprah offered us an image to embrace other than those the media had been taunting us with knowing that we would never live up to their white, skinny, airbrushed perfection. She showed us that a poor, black girl from Mississippi could indeed hold space for a nation of women who could identify with her. She showed us through her own vulnerability that we could open up about the shame we felt of not being enough, that we are worthy of being heard and listened to, that it wasn’t our fault when we were raped, abused, beaten. Thank you Oprah for bringing these conversations into the light of day and those moments of AHA that were like glittering baubles I found in my jewel box.  I wish you love, laughter and the delight of a new adventure my friend.

Another woman who I am deeply grateful to for giving me AHAs up the gazoo is Dr. Brene Brown.  And thank you Michelle Fairchild – the talented and wise writer who I share this platform with – for introducing me to this gifted woman.  I invite you, cajole you and urge you to listen to the brilliant Brene Brown and you can also find her at TedTalks.

I am so thankful for all the women and girls who have gifted me with their presence, their stories, their gifts and I pay tribute to them:

My Mom – thank you for the gifts you bestowed upon me and which I learned of far too late to show you my gratitude. For too long I dwelled on those memories that seemed to bring only pain and now, well now I hold only love and gratitude in my heart. Thank you Mom for teaching me about the beauty of flowers, the joy of reading and the magic of movies.

My Sisters– thank you for teaching me that sister love is like no other love in the world. You taught me how to be and not to be a woman through your words, your experiences, your images. Oh, and by the way Valerie when I asked you as a teenager if I could lose weight by throwing up and you said in your charming way –“ Don’t be an idiot of course you can’t” – thank you!

My Step-daughters – thank you for showing me the love of a mother’s heart and teaching me how much I can learn from the girls in my life .

Girlfriends Who Have Graced My Life – thank you my beloveds for holding me up when I thought I would fall, for shared memories and laughter, for the conversations and adventures, for loving me for who I am instead of in spite of who I am, for hearing me, for cheering me on, for telling me when I go astray and kicking my ass when an ass kicking was called for – I am forever grateful. Thank you for teaching me how absolutely essential women are to saving each other and the world.

My Fifth Grade Teacher– thank you Ms. Bodine for befriending that ferocious little girl whose tender heart ached to hear the words you spoke.  Instead of squashing my voice you danced me to the page where my writing began to heal my breaking heart.

Cosmic Cowgirls – thank you  to my Tribe for being the most kick-ass, hootin and hollerin, reverent and irreverent, creative, loving,  supportive women on the Planet.  You have taught me that my voice and stories are valued and valuable and that I am not alone. Thank you Ms. Shiloh Sophia for being the beautiful visionary you are and inviting me along for the ride.

Writers, Artists, Singers, Dancers, Actors – thank you for the beauty of your voices, your images, your words, your stories. You have taught me about courage, about the importance of creativity, about beauty, about different viewpoints, about people and places and things that I would never have known about except through your eyes – I thank you.

Anne Lamott – thank you for writing the books that I meant to.

And to all of those women whose shoulders I stand on – thank you for your courage, your voices, your actions and your unwavering beliefs that allowed you to change the world.

And I offer all of you Phenomenal Women a song from my magnificent sister Canadian Amy Sky.

As Oprah said – Until we meet again,

StellaMac

Foreign Correspondent

Mary MacDonald, Co-Editor
Legend and Interviews
Mary, aka StellaMac, gives new meaning to the word versatile. For the past 30 years she has boldly gone forth in the not for profit, artistic, educational and for profit worlds where she has used her extraordinary relationship building skills to achieve success for her clients in marketing, fundraising, public relations, communications, training and development, and writing. She is now working in California as a teacher, coach and consultant.

Mary is passionate about innovative education and business through the lens of a feminine paradigm that incorporates creativity, story telling and conversation. As a Consultant for the past five years in Canada and the United States, Mary is an expert at supporting individuals and organizations in achieving your goals in a way that is uniquely you. Mary is also a member/owner of the Cosmic Cowgirls tribe where she gleefully applauds the reverent and the irreverent existing side by side. She is proud to count herself among the revolutionaries creating opportunities for women and girls to transform their lives through publishing healing journals and transformational teaching at Cosmic Cowgirls University.

Conversations with StellaMac ~ Foreign Correspondent

Full disclosure – I Am Canadian. To some in this country I presently call home I am a foreigner or an alien as governments like to call us strangers in a strange land. I have always thought of those called ‘foreign’ as romantic characters who spoke with intriguing accents, usually wore trench coats and flowed effortlessly through the alleys and ballrooms of whatever country they chose to inhabit.  It appears the only times I out myself as a Canadian is when I say “process” or “about” – it seems we pronounce it differently, although I do deny or at least bristle audibly when I am told I say “aboot.”  Or it is in the spelling of such words as honour or colour which I adamantly insist on retaining for aesthetic reasons.

I found it disturbing when first called a foreigner as I was on a quest for my tribe and they just happened to be located in a faraway land – the land of intriguing ideas, palm trees and the Pacific Ocean – California that is.Being a foreigner was a denial of everything my quest was about – finding those that spoke the same language. That language happens to be the language of the heart, the language of inclusiveness, the language of community. And as a believer in the power of story and conversation to change lives, I sought a tribe of women and girls who gave a platform to all of our differing voices. As a woman who loves to travel, to be in raucous conversation and is insatiable in my curiousity, I know it to be true that hearing the stories of others has held me, entertained me, and educated me as I walked, dove or ran through the good, the bad and the ugly. Without these feminine voices in all their guises – the reverent and irreverent, the sacred and the profane, the good girl and the bad girl, the scientist and the stripper, the dissident and the follower – well you get the point – I am able to know I am truly not alone as I make my way through this murky terrain called life.

If you told me not so long ago that I would pack my bags, run from all I knew and loved (which included a lifetime of beloved friends and family, a job that finally paid me well enough to buy a house and a country with healthcare) I would have felt complimented that you thought of me as such a wild and adventuresome soul but secretly knowing it would never happen.  But lo and behold, I mounted my loyal steed, a Buick Skylark (I know – really who goes on a legendary adventure in car used primarily by food industry sales men) and headed for the land of the Cosmic Cowgirls.

What is a Cosmic Cowgirl you ask with a smile of delighted recognition? Well, she wears many dazzling outfits and the perfect pair of boots, speaks with a voice that is uniquely hers, has an array of tools in her jewel embedded toolbox that she uses on her legendary journey, speaks her truth, is a revolutionary who knows she is enough, makes a difference in the world with her gifts of wisdom and creativity and is whoever she chooses to be. Cosmic Cowgirls are my tribe.

My mission, and yes I choose to accept it, is to bring you the stories and voices of women and girls who make me swoon with their luscious wisdom and irreverence. And perhaps I will even introduce the occasional man who fascinates and beguiles me with their wit, their prowess with the language of the heart or even just because he happens to be a long-legged cowboy.  So yes, I will claim the word foreign into my lexicon and proudly call myself StellaMac, Foreign Correspondent!

TO BE CONTINUED….

Mary MacDonald, Co-Editor
Legend and Interviews
Mary, aka StellaMac, gives new meaning to the word versatile. For the past 30 years she has boldly gone forth in the not for profit, artistic, educational and for profit worlds where she has used her extraordinary relationship building skills to achieve success for her clients in marketing, fundraising, public relations, communications, training and development, and writing.

Mary is passionate about innovative education and business through the lens of a feminine paradigm that incorporates creativity, story telling and conversation. As a Consultant for the past five years in Canada and the United States, Mary is an expert at supporting individuals and organizations in achieving your goals in a way that is uniquely you. Mary is also a member/owner of the Cosmic Cowgirls tribe where she gleefully applauds the reverent and the irreverent existing side by side. She is proud to count herself among the revolutionaries creating opportunities for women and girls to transform their lives through publishing healing journals and transformational teaching at Cosmic Cowgirls University.