Thriving In Spite of Adversity

Written by Michelle Fairchild

Image from Casa's Forgotten Children Campaign

Think back to when you were a child between the ages of two and five.  Picture what you looked like then, where you lived and also some of your favorite toys.  Imagine then that one day some police officers and other adults show up to your home and separate you from your parents and your siblings. You are just a small child and you don’t really understand what is happening. All you know is that you are scared and have been taken from the only world you know. You may have been abused and neglected, but as a small child, you didn’t know it could be any different. You simply wanted to remain with the people you knew as family.

Foster care is intended to be a temporary safety net for children suspected of having been abused or neglected. In some cases the birth parents may successfully complete parenting classes or drug treatment programs and can be reunited with their children. When reunification is not possible social workers try to place children with other family members or with a family that wishes to adopt. Sadly though, some children are never adopted and find themselves experiencing multiple foster placements. Some never do find a “forever family.”

The statistics regarding what becomes of youth who remain in the foster care system long-term are not promising. This is why the stories of motivational writers and speakers Ashley Rhodes-Courter, who spent ten years in foster care, and Derek Clark, who was in foster care for thirteen years, are that much more inspirational.  While their stories may be especially poignant for other foster and adoptive youth, we can all take heed at what they have to share about thriving in spite of adversity.

Ashley Rhodes-Courter

Ashley Rhodes-Courter’s ten years in foster care saw her moving between fourteen different foster homes before being adopted at the age of twelve.  While in her teens she won a New York Times Magazine essay contest with an essay about her adoption day called “Three Little Words.” Her essay not only garnered her first place, it also brought her to the attention of several New York publishers who contacted her about writing a book. Ashley completed her book called Three Little Words: A Memoir and within the pages we gain entrance to her world as a child.

“I was sitting on the stoop dressed only in shorts when the police cars pulled up. ‘He’s not here,’ my mother said when they asked for Dusty. One of the men kept coming toward her. My mother, who was holding Luke, screamed, ‘I didn’t do anything!’

“Mama,” I cried, reaching both hands up for her to lift me as well. A uniformed man pushed me away and snatched Luke out of her arms. I tried to rush toward my mother, who was already being put in the backseat of a police car. The door slammed so hard, it shook my legs. Through the closed window, I could hear my mother shouting, “Ashley!” Someone held me back as the car pulled away. I struggled and kicked trying to chase after her…Thinking about that moment is like peeling a scab off an almost-healed wound.”

Before Ashley was finally adopted by a loving family she bounced between foster homes and group homes. For a short time frame she and her brother were placed with their maternal grandfather and his girlfriend. Their grandfather was an alcoholic who had his own children placed in foster care, including Ashley’s birth mom. Fortunately her grandfather’s girlfriend was very loving and caring and Ashley felt safe with her. However, when the children witnessed their grandfather getting shot four times during an argument over a car deal, they were removed from the home.  Amazingly he actually survived the shooting.  Unfortunately Ashley and her brother would eventually find themselves living in a foster home where they witnessed and experienced abuse regularly.

Ashley Rhodes-Courter with Diane Sawyer

Ashley shares that once she started opening up about her story to her adoptive family it allowed her to release the shame she had held inside. She also found that channeling her frustration and anger about her childhood experiences into positive directions led to new opportunities. Ashley has been featured on Montel Williams, The Today Show and Good Morning America. She hosted a television program called “Explore Adoption,” which was produced by the State of Florida to raise the public’s awareness of foster children in need of loving and permanent homes. This segment won an Emmy in 2009.

Ashley has also received numerous awards and recognitions including, Youth Advocate of the Year for the North American Council and the Congressional Coalition on Adoption Institute’s “National Angel” award. She is also a CASA volunteer in her community and an ambassador for Levi’s “Shape What’s to Come” mentorship program.

When Ashley speaks to foster and adoptive youth around the country she tells them that they have powerful voices. She  wants foster and adoptive youth to know that their stories are unique and gives them a special edge on life. She also encourages them to turn their pain into their power. Ashley took back some of her own power when she subpoenaed her sealed records and after scouring through them with her adoptive parents discovered she had enough of a case to sue the state of Florida, some of her caseworkers and the abusive foster family. She took action to ensure that other foster children would not have to suffer the way she did.

Derek Clark

Derek Clark’s story is also powerfully inspirational. He entered the foster care system at age 5 and spent the next 13 years in foster care. He has documented his youthful experiences in a series of books. Derek is also a singer, rapper and songwriter, who has transformed his pain and loss through musical creativity. Derek currently travels around the country speaking, rapping and singing about his story. He has a gift for connecting with young people, and at the end of a presentation that includes teens, he will usually find himself surrounded by his new admirers with requests for autographs and the opportunity to speak with him one on one.

Derek’s childhood story is brutally surreal. While his mom was seven months pregnant with him, his birth father beat her and kicked her stomach. Derek survived that beating, but later learned from his childhood records that he was brutally abused the first year of his life.  His mom went into hiding when Derek was a year old and they lived in his aunt’s garage. His birth father eventually found them and threatened to kill them both. Fortunately he did not have a chance to follow through on his threats but was arrested for a string of armed robberies. In later years Derek would learn that his birth father was in Folsom prison for the criminally insane.

Derek’s mom eventually married another man when Derek was about three years old. From the age of three to five years old Derek would urinate and defecate on furniture and other things in the house.  His stepfather punished Derek by sticking his head in the toilet. On one occasion his mom, fearing his step-dad was holding his head underwater too long, yanked on Derek’s arm so hard she dislocated his shoulder. They never took him to the hospital though, and to this day he has scar tissue in his shoulder.

Derek Clark at age 5

On one particular occasion, five-year-old Derek mouthed off to his mom and she became so furious that she dragged him upstairs to the bathroom where she proceeded to forcibly hold his hand under scalding hot water until it burned him. While doing this she also screamed at him that he was a devil child. Derek stated that in that moment, as he cried and screamed for his mommy to stop hurting him, something broke inside him. Not shortly after that event his mother and step-father turned him over to the county services, yet kept his sister and brother. Derek shares that they dropped him off at a youth shelter in Oakland that looked like a warehouse, but had sixty beds inside of it.

In later years when Derek had access to his childhood records he was shocked to read what was written in his psychological report. The report stated he could not count to ten, did not know his ABC’s, did not know simple words like dog and cat and had a vocabulary that primarily consisted of cuss words. The report also stated he was fascinated with knives, violence, death and murder. Derek was disturbed to read within his report that they believed he had an IQ of a two-and-a-half-year-old.  He was especially troubled when he read that they considered him to be mentally retarded. A social worker had also written in his file that he was not considered adoptable and that if they could not find him a suitable foster home he would be institutionalized.

One of Derek Clark's books

Derek was eventually placed in an at-risk foster home and discovered that his foster parents were not going to give up on him. He tested them along the way with his outbursts of anger and by getting into trouble for vandalizing property or threatening other kids. His foster father would make him work hard on the farm doing things like shoveling manure to encourage him to redirect and work through his anger. Derek, already six-foot-five inches tall as a teenager, towered over his five-foot-two foster mom. She was incredibly loving, but he learned that her experiences as a juvenile hall teacher had taught her well about knowing when to be tough and put her foot down.

In the span of two years, when Derek was sixteen and seventeen years old he suffered even more tragedy when his birth sister was murdered, his foster brother was killed and his best friend was murdered. Derek, on the verge of losing it, was expelled from high school. He was ready to give up and wasn’t sure what would have happened if his foster parents hadn’t planned an intervention. They took him to a three-day retreat for foster youth. Derek didn’t want to go and at first refused, but they asked him to do it for his deceased foster brother and he went grudgingly. After listening to other foster youth stand up and speak about their stories he was told it was his turn. He tried to refuse to participate, but they pushed and prodded him to talk about his anger issues which only made him get angry. In the midst of him finally blowing up and expressing his rage he was shocked to hear the people present tell him how great he was and that they loved him. He said that something inside him cracked in that moment. He started to cry, the first tears he had shed since he could remember.  He said that in that moment he saw his life with new eyes.

Derek Clark

Derek turned his life around and not only got reinstated into high school, but also managed to work diligently enough to get a 1.8 GPA in order to graduate. At first Derek, also known in those days as Diamond D, pursued his love of rapping and performing.  He even won a rapping contest called the Battle of the Bay and received a production deal as a prize. His music dreams didn’t take off as he had hoped, but he still moved forward with the intention to take responsibility for his life. In his twenties he learned to play guitar and the ukulele and he continues to this day to write songs. Eventually Derek began to write books about his life experiences.

When Derek speaks with young people about his life he doesn’t pull any punches, and they respect his candid sharing about his past.  He continually encourages people to open up their hearts and have attitudes of gratitude and he affirms that when you do life gets so much better. He also stresses the importance of not getting involved with drugs. Derek never tried drugs because he didn’t want to be like his mom or dad. He believes that people end up in jail and do drugs because they don’t have a purpose.  Derek also counsels that “who you hang out with affects who you are” and encourages young people to hang out with good people.

Ashley Rhodes-Courter and Derek Clark share the following advice in their motivational and inspirational talks around the country:

• You have a choice to turn things around.
• Take ownership of your own actions and emotions.
• Have a high opinion of yourself.
• You cannot continue to hurt yourself because someone hurt you.
• Don’t let mistakes control your life.
• Share your stories because others need to know they too can survive.
• Practice H.O.P.E. – Help One Person Everyday.
• Think about where you are and look to where you want to be.
• Get creative, because creativity lets it out.

The messages that former foster youths Ashley Rhodes-Courter and Derek Clark share in their books and motivational talks are incredibly inspirational. They are modeling for all of us that even if difficult, challenging or tragic events occur in our lives, we don’t have to define our lives by those events. If we happen to make poor choices one day, we can always make a fresh start the next. We get to choose how we want to write and tell our stories. We get to choose the direction of our lives, based on the present, not on the past and we get to choose how we respond to what life throws in our direction.

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For more information about Derek Clark please visit his web site at: http://www.iwillnevergiveup.com/

For more information about Ashley Rhodes-Courter please visit her web site at: http://www.rhodes-courter.com/

Watch Derek Clark speak and perform for an audience of foster youth in the following video:

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Michelle Fairchild is married to a middle school science teacher and is also mommy to identical twin daughters, who are very active 5-year-olds that keep her dancing.  She is a writer and artist who has a business called Red Boa Productions.  She also works for a non-profit foster-adoption agency in Northern California.  At Heart she is a soulful and sensitive intuitive, a courageous creator, a resilient visionary, a self-esteem fluffer, a marvelous music mixer and one who offers up bridges of connections to her fellow travelers. She believes that We Are All Meant to Shine! You can learn more about Michelle’s vision and read more of her writing on her blog The Red Boa.

Tags: adoption, articles for women and girls, CASA, Cosmic Cowgirls Magazine, courage, creative action, creativity, creativity as healing, features, foster care, healing, inspiration, inspirational women, living a creative life, michelle fairchild, overcoming, sharing our messages, women's classes, women's member tribe, women's online courses, women's online university, women-owned online community, writing